Love Vaccine Episode XNUMX Good and Evil (XNUMX)

Line with Nao-chan.

Mac``I thought about my teacher, and when I approached her thinking that she might save me from my mother's violence, she instead sexually assaulted me, and I felt a grudge that she pretended to help me, but she didn't.'' I wonder if there is?
If that's the case, if our relationship is a reenactment, I think the goal is for Nao to feel like she was helped by me.''

Nao-chan"I don't hold any grudge against teachers.
Basically, I almost never feel jealous, resentful, or angry towards other people.
Also, even though I don't remember the sexual assault, it is possible that it happened to someone other than the student when I was younger, so the cause may not necessarily lie with the teacher.
Feeling that ``I was able to help you'' means that you are dependent on Mr. Mac, and that is not the real goal.
The real goal is to become a safe base (safe base is a psychological term), that is, to be able to live with one's feet on the ground using one's own strength, even when something becomes unstable. It means being able to rebuild your life on your own without relying on others.
Thank you for thinking of me so much.”

Mac"I'm currently thinking of three possibilities.
The premise is that ``Nao-chan falls into despair when the teacher pretends to save Nao-chan from her mother's abuse, only to sexually exploit her, and does nothing but listen kindly.'' That's when the dissociation began.'' That's my interpretation.
In other words, the biggest trauma was ``I asked for help, but the teacher didn't rescue me.''
If my interpretation is wrong, please point it out again.
The three possibilities are
XNUMX) I hope that this time, instead of just being superficially kind, you will truly rescue me.
XNUMX) On the contrary, the unconscious mind is planning to end up being used sexually again.And I want to confirm that ``After all, he's just there to play with me.''
20) Actually, the reason Nao is sexually active is simply that her sexual curiosity, which had been repressed until then, has exploded since she turned XNUMX.Nao-chan was recovering well, and I happened to run into her while she was recovering.
XNUMX) is a rather optimistic and convenient story, but it is possible.
If XNUMX) is the case, then the purpose would be to get used to despair.
It makes the idea that ``that's what a man is, and that I am someone to be played with'' become a daily reality.
That way, at least they would be freed from the trauma of their teachers.It was just a slice of everyday life.
But it also means degrading oneself to the extreme.
If you can't stand it, you don't have to live.In fact, dying himself may be the only revenge he can take against his teacher.
It's a devastating but possible story.
You are now positive about life, but have you ever thought about it that much in the past three years?
The teacher may have been pretending to be a counselor.
Listening, giving feedback, and pretending to empathize.
How is it different from what I'm doing to Nao-chan now?
It's not self-deprecation.
What I want to say is "replay."
Trauma reenactment refers to a person becoming attracted to a scene similar to the one in which the victim was injured.
Isn't my existence similar to that teacher?
Maybe Nao-chan herself doesn't even notice.This is because she is unconsciously driven to perform again.
``I think that the fact that they are clearly aiming to ``become a safe base for themselves'' and ``rebuild themselves with their own strength'' is evidence that they are making a significant recovery, but if that's the case, why is there a ``repeat'' now? I can't explain what's going on. It's eerie because I don't understand what Nao-chan's unconscious mind is trying to do.

Nao-chan``Even I don't know that, and I can't help but feel eerie and frightened about myself.''
The goal of ``making yourself a safe base'' is what the doctor said, and it was not my intention.For that reason, I don't think I'm at the stage of recovery yet where I want to focus on myself that much.
In other words, I think that what is happening now is definitely a reenactment.
The reason I decided to start working as a father was primarily due to my desire to destroy my own life. (Maybe it's faded.)
Or maybe it's done as part of a self-harm act or a desire to ruin one's life as an extension of suicidal thoughts.
Next is the desire to have money.
What is clear at this point is my desire for self-destruction and my obsession with numerical values, but even I don't understand the deep psychology that drives me.
I have always been a person who is devoted to others and likes to make them happy, so maybe I just have a desire to make men happy and find it my purpose in life to make them happy.
I believe that the reason for my behavior is not just one, but a complex interplay of many events.
It's not easy to explain, but I think all of the reasons XNUMX) to XNUMX) that Mr. Mac mentioned are possible, and I don't think any of the reasons I just explained are wrong.
The clear difference between the teacher and Mr. Mac is
XNUMX) The relationship of interest is clear (selling one's mind and body for money and consideration)
XNUMX) Intelligence (I'm sorry to say this, but Mr. Mac has an outstanding brain)
Is not it.
In addition, the teachers were not even listened to when they spoke and only talked about themselves, so I was in the position of caring for the teachers by listening, empathizing with them, and proposing solutions.
XNUMX) Is it the one who talks or the one being treated, the one who cares or the one who is cared for?
I think there is also a difference.
This is a little off-topic, but there is a word called "carer."
Children who grew up with parents with mental problems have survived by always listening to their parents' expressions and being close to them, so they are good at arranging people's moods and listening to them, and they are naturally good at listening to others. This is a phenomenon in which people come to live their lives by listening to their needs and taking on the role of caring for them.
Let's return to the topic of differences with teachers.
Mr. Mac is trying to ``understand'' me, even if it's only for a short time.
I think this is a clear difference between me and my teacher.
Sorry for the misspelling.I wrote this while taking sleeping pills, so some of the text may be a bit cryptic.excuse me.
I'm starting to get sleepy and can't write anymore, so please excuse me.
I'm looking forward to seeing Mac's face tomorrow.

I have come to understand my role.
It's about "understanding" Nao-chan, and trying to "understand" her.
I remembered something that B-chan, my staff officer and secretary, had said before.
B-chan: ``Putting aside the question of whether or not Nao-chan will break down if she continues to have a relationship with Mr. Mac, at least Nao-chan was able to meet someone who is so interested in her and tries to understand her. I think he was happy.”
B-chan herself was saved by the way I treated her.
I see, is that the right way to think?
I feel a little better.
It's not about good intentions or bad intentions, it's about understanding the other person and trying hard to understand them.
That may be the most important thing.
Saving Nao-chan also means saving myself.
Just as Nao wants to be freed from her trauma, I also don't want to sink into the swamp of ``only sexual desire = evil.''I want to get out.
It feels like the two of us are rowing a boat in the dark.
And I feel like I can see a little bit of light.

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