Why are we so obsessed with dating women?

It hurts when you get too absorbed in it

Hello, I'm an adventurer.

Have you ever had a hard time because you were too obsessed with your favorite woman?

I have had many painful experiences.

Many of the women I meet at dating clubs are beautiful.

A man's feeling of "I love you" is like, "Wow! It's cute. I love you!"

"It hurts my heart to think that this girl might be seeing another man. I don't get emails very often, and I wonder what I can do to get her to pay more attention to me and be more happy... "

I'm worried.


You might want to offer a larger allowance than you imagined, or buy a gift even though it's not your birthday or anniversary. . .

While doing so, you may become so absorbed in the other woman that you can no longer make calm decisions.

For example, even though it hasn't been that long since we've been dating, a woman

“I want to study English conversation in order to go abroad for training.

If you are asked to do so, if you are calm

"It's insane to ask such a request when you haven't built a strong relationship of mutual trust yet. Let's break up early."

Even in situations where it is thought that

"Oh, that's right. This girl is a good girl who doesn't work hard or study hard."

A typical example is a case where you think positively and are happy to respond.

And let's say that after giving such special support, for example, you didn't receive a thank-you email from the woman you were dating.

If you are calm,

"What a rude fellow. Can't you just type a quick email at a time like this?"

Because it should be possible to judge that

"Come to think of it, you said it was a busy time at the company. Yeah, yeah.

I repeat stupid positive interpretations such as.

Such days continued, and eventually decisively

"This woman is insane! It's funny!"

When there is an event that makes you think

"I wonder why I'm so obsessed with this kind of person. No matter how I think about it, they're just taking advantage of me."

I feel like

By that time, you've lost a lot of money that you don't need, and above all, you've lost your precious time and the opportunity to meet a really good woman.

Of course, it's a good thing to lean forward to some extent because you're dating a nice woman.

However, if you get into it too much, you may end up regretting it later.

The preamble has become long, but this time I would like to unravel the question, "Why do you get so absorbed in it?"
 

Cognitive dissonance

Are you familiar with the term “cognitive dissonance”?

Aside from the technical implications, a simple image is that when there is a gap between behavior and cognition in the human brain, cognition is dragged by behavior.

For example, let's say you spend XNUMX million yen and buy a small caramel-sized chocolate.

Let's say it's really bad when you eat it (laughs)

Action = Paid XNUMX million yen

cognition = really bad

Therefore, there is a disconnect between behavior and cognition.

At times like this, the brain is dragged by actions and changes cognition.

"I paid XNUMX million yen, so it must be delicious chocolate."

I think unconsciously.

As a result, it is clearly bad

"No, it's worth a million yen, so it's quite unique and has a wonderful taste that you can't taste anywhere else."

That's what I'm saying.
(It's just unbelievably bad...)

Cognitive dissonance also explains the psychology of being too obsessed with women.

Action = giving a lot of allowances.I gave you many presents.

Recognition = Not particularly attractive to women

In this way, when there is a gap between action and cognition, cognition is dragged by action,

"You must be a very nice woman for doing all this!"

The brain recognizes it unconsciously.

In such a situation, even if a woman does something insane (begging for an expensive bag, asking for additional funds, canceling at the last minute, replying abnormally late, etc.) ,

“That kind of place is rather cute, isn’t it?”

"I'm the only person who can listen to this child's selfishness without getting angry~"

Or, you will continue to have a positive interpretation that you do not understand.

And at some point, it will definitely burst, leaving you with a big scar.

Let's seek a relationship like "Thread" by Miyuki Nakajima

"thread".I like the lyrics.

♪The vertical thread is you, the horizontal thread is me, the cloth we weave is...♪

Yes.

Dating is something that you and your partner create together.

You have to weave.

He listens to women's selfishness, gives them generous allowances, gives them presents, flexibly adapts the time of day to meet and the time of email/line to the woman's side, and always throws gentle words of encouragement, support and love. . .

Unless you are physically unwell, such as when you have a problem with cleanliness, basically you can't dislike a person who does the best for you as described above.

In other words, in dating clubs, it is actually quite easy for men to get a favorable impression from women.

However, dating and romance are two people.

You need to make an effort to maintain a good relationship with each other.

For example, when I can't see you for a long time, I will contact you even if it's just a word. They give cheap but heartfelt presents, they remember the words we said and our birthdays...

I think something really small like that is fine.

The fact that women make such small efforts is an essential element in maintaining a good relationship.

Even if the man knits the best quality threads vertically, if the woman doesn't knit it horizontally, it won't be a cloth.

It's just a bunch of threads.

If a little irregular wind blows like that, it will be blown away in no time.
(I have a bitter experience of being blown away sweat)

No, even if a woman really "likes" a man, that thought alone won't keep the relationship going.

Both men and women clearly express each other's feelings of "like" in their shapes and actions, and weave them together.

I think that's what's important.
 

How to prepare for a relationship that is not too immersive

Finally, I will write down a mental attitude to prevent over-enthusiasm.


(XNUMX) Know the term cognitive dissonance.


(XNUMX) When you feel stressed by the other person's behavior, do not force yourself to interpret it positively, but try to clearly express things like "I can't respond to that," or "I don't like that." .

→As an example of my past failure, from a woman

"I'm the type who's slow to reply to lines, isn't it? If a man asks me, 'Why aren't you returning the line?'

I was told something like,

"That's right. A man who complains about the slow reply on the line is narrow-minded, isn't he?"

I have replied.

In the end, although I replied to almost all messages within 24 hours, women continued to return at intervals of about 3 to 5 days, and the stress accumulated and disappeared naturally. bottom.

Of course, (as I wrote in another column) I wouldn't say something like "Return my line within 2 hours!" Within), you want a response.

I don't think it's a good thing to accumulate stress on your own without telling the other person.

The key is whether or not you can decide to say goodbye to this person before you get too immersed in them.


(2) Consciously confirm whether you and the other person are making a concrete effort to maintain the relationship.

→I understand that you want to hold on to a woman's feelings, but please don't try too hard.
I think that dating lasts for a long time because you can be with each other naturally after all.


④ Believe that there is always a woman in the world who is as good as or better than the woman in front of you that you like.

→ There is no woman as beautiful as this!It is wonderful to think so.
Please cherish that person with all your might.

However, you should always have this idea in the corner of your head that you feel the same way about this person as you do.

If you don't have this idea, you'll get too absorbed in it all at once.


⑤ You should decide your own life as you like.to understand.

→There are men who always date multiple women in order to avoid being too obsessed with one woman.
That would be one way to deal with it.I think it's good.

Also, there are men who think, "This one is the best!", but they definitely don't want to marry and register because there will always be a woman who is even more wonderful than that.

I think that's a good idea too.

And, of course, there are men who deeply believe that this person is their destiny, cut off all relationships with other women, and get married with a strong determination to be together for the rest of their lives.

Happy and strong, I think it's a really great idea.

However, the source of that strong decision

"Misunderstanding due to being too absorbed in women due to cognitive dissonance"

If so, it would be a terrible tragedy.

What do you want women to do?in front of

what do you want to beI think it's important to prioritize and think about.

I hope you all have a wonderful relationship.